Rap for Dummies

 

Since A&R and Artist Development budgets have been cut like healthcare and every one and their uncle’s baby momma wants to be a rapper, we here at Southern Comfort have decided to put together a nifty Idiots Guide to a Successful Rap Career, detailing a few of the less obvious rules (misspell as often as possible using a “z” any chance you get, pick the most retarded ass stage name you can think of, make it an acronym for something outrageous if you can, etc.)

Follow at your own risk. And if you blow up, I expect mad residuals. Crazy mad.

Celebrate Your Inner Thug, and if it its gestating, water it and make that bitch grow. Like you, on the daily, we sell so many drugs and kill so many old ladies and innocent bystanders, our thugometer reads “Got damn! You a thug! For Real” We only listen to your records because we want to feel connected, to know that we aren’t alone in our thug-thizzle. Amp it up- never, ever get soft and talk about love, your feelings, or your momma for more than one song every other album. If this is deemed absolutely necessary (and it shouldn’t ever be) , that one song should be about the love you feel for your momma, pouring a little liquor out for your homies and how you’re sorry your called your ho a bitch. This one song should always be sandwiched between tracks like “Die Die Kill Die (Motherfucker Why You Aint Dead Yet!?)” and “Fuck You Ho”.

Rapper Role Model: Uncle Murder

Tell Me You’re the Shit. We can’t think very well for ourselves anymore. I blame Jay Z for wearing du-rags on MTV and making us love him. We can’t tell from your music how good you are, usually because your label never releases it, so we really need you to constantly tell us. In every interview possible, mention how your soon-to-never-be-released album is the best album ever. One of the top 5 of all time. The best in the past 10 years. This helps lower expectations. Then compare yourself to ‘Pac and Big. Because a dead man’s cosign really is that important.

Rapper Role Model: Saigon

Ignore your Hip Hop History. Knowledge from whence you came? Pshaw! Hip Hop history is just for 35 year olds who used to break dance in their momma’s kitchen with their cousins when they were 12. Contemporary rap fans only need to know that you know all the words to Books 1 of All Eyez On Me. You don’t listen to A Tribe Called Quest? Who cares? Can you superman that ho? YOOOOOOUUUUU!!!

Rapper Role Model: Lupe Fiasco

This leads me to Dance. Invent A Dance. This aint 1989 and were not talking about you dancing like Big Daddy Kane. Not gangsta. You need to create something that makes us shake our ass, or snap our fingers, or lean back, or rock-away, or make it rain and wash away. You get the point. Intricate choreography isn’t necessary, in fact the simpler the better. You also get extra points if you are able to incorporate some kind of call and response into it.

Rapper Role Model: Jose Gordo

Bank Publicly. How much money you have in the bank, under the mattress, in your car, in your ho’s bra is mad important to us. Often times, it’s more important that your actual skill level as a rapper. At ever y opportunity, tell us how many point you make per unit sold. We actually have no clue what this means, but if you use a high number, we will assume you make a lot of money, and therefore rule. Drape yourself in diamonds and other assorted obscene displays of wealth; do everything to show that you are not only new money, but have waaaaay more than me. It gives us something to reach for. Like yo chain bitch.

Rapper Role Model: Curtsy Boo Boo

Shock Us. This is one of the hardest things to do these days, as we have literally heard it all. Twice. Just five minutes ago, on your last CD. Two options—go all the way left and stop cussing (boring!) or go all the way right and make a song called “Fuck Cracka Nigga Fuck!” Make those the only word in the song, repeat them for three minutes. Toss in a bitch or motherfucker as your change your inflection, just to keep things interesting.

Rapper Role Model: Plies

There you have- the key to a successful career in rap. Next, we’ll get into maximizing your profits and diversifying your business interests. Don’t worry, I’ll use smaller words when we get into details.

---

Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)

• T.I. and his Legal Woes
• Crack Rap
• Sirius Satellite Radio: Bring Back “Backspin” — Old School Rap
• Say What! — Asher Roth Disses Obama + More

Tags: 50 cent, a tribe called quest, fat joe, lupe fiasco, plies, rapper, rules for rapping, saigon, successful career in rao, uncle murder