Your Man’s My Ho

Monica (the singer, not the intern) and I have beef. Not Kobe beef, or Argentinean steakhouse beef, nothing that serious because she’s my girl– been down with her since “One of Dem Days” many years ago, and I’m not trying to be “So Gone” over this. But I must admit, her latest song has some mad cow running up in our relationship, disrupting the preservation of our respective sexy. A new song recently leaked off of Monica’s upcoming album called Sideline Ho (The name of the song, don’t know the name of the album). Go check it out in all its If your man doesn’t take you to church and leaves you alone on the holidays, you’re a sideline hoglory and like Winn-Dixie we’ll get down to the beef business.

On first listen, I jammed along, laughed a bit and nodded in girl-power agreement to Monica’s “You’s a trifling ho” sentiment. Who doesn’t like the idea of calling out that bitch who has been creeping with your man? I listened again and thought of all the woman swearing vengeance on that scandalous skank using her feminine wiles to overcome your man’s intelligence and good sense and FORCE him into having am affair with her. That cheap trick who obviously has got some kryptonite in her coota because there is no way your man would ever, ever, no matter the weather cheat without some kind of mystical shit forcing him to do so. That bitch must practice voo doo or black magic.

(If you missed the sarcasm, you are reading the wrong blog.)

I’m going there… I have to do it. Monica’s making me. She called out “Sideline hos.” I have to put “Mainline Bitches” on blast. Its only fair.

Full disclosure: there have been times in my past where I could have been called a sideline ho (alright, so its more partial disclosure, a little tip for all ya’ll: scandalous history, specifically my own, will NEVER be admitted to in print), so I represent a unique perspective. I have often wondered why the other woman always gets a bad rap. Sideline ho? Is it that serious? we haven’t had a song from a mainline bitch calling us out this hard since MoKenStef’s He’s Mine (yeah, I’m dating myself I know). Now I’m not saying this bad rap is wholly undeserved– is cheating trifling? Yes. Do we know we are participating in trifling business when we walk into it? Usually (I stand by this answer– plenty dudes take it a step further and don’t reveal their status, but that’ll be dealt with in a minute) But are we hos? Not all of us- and I readily admit that that’s up for debate.

So, here’s a little rebuttal from a former Sideline ho, revealing the other side of the game. Holla if you feel me (and don’t front, I’ve know most of you too long not to know the skeletons in your closets) If you have never been a sideline ho, and are feeling really righteous in your position as mainline bitch -pay attention, because school is in session and I’m going to try to hip you to some info that your momma, auntie or big sister should have told you already.

“Do you get benefits? (NO) House keys? (NO) Get held at night? (NO) If you don’t cook his breakfast your a sideline ho.”

Really Monica? Is that the best you can do? Do you really want to brag that you are making him breakfast while he’s been fucking me? (pause- and because I think it warrants a rewind): Do you really want to brag that you are making him breakfast while he’s been fucking me? Are you really proud that when he crawls into bed at 4am, hiding his draws in the bottom of the hamper, smelling like me- and you’re proud to fry his bacon and eggs and pour his coffee at 10am?

“Get your shit together you’re making a fool of yourself. Aren’t you tired if being on the side? Second place don’t get a prize”

I’m the fool? I’m the fool when he’s living in your house and disrespecting you? And while we are on it, what grand prize is first place getting? F rom this vantage point, first place isn’t exactly the winners circle that I want to be included in. He’s cheating on you, making you look the fool all over town, in front of your friends, his friends, because lets be real, men are gossiping bitches and they have a deeper need than we do to tell their boys what they done hit, ’bout to hit or are currently running up in, so if he’s cheating on you- TRUST– his boys know it. They know who she is, what she looks like, how it tastes, where it goes down– everything-hell, they may have even met her. They know this as they sit in your house, watching the game on your TV, eating your food. Remind me- who’s the fool again? Me who’s creeping with your man, or you who’s getting played like PSP?

And dammit MoKenStef– If I already had him once– why the hell do you want him all the time!???

7 times out of 10 (and ya’ll know those numbers aren’t based on anyone’s scientific fact, I made them up right here but I bet its pretty accurate) when a woman is with a man who isn’t her own, she’s well aware of the facts. There are those dudes who don’t own up to it- outright lie about their status and try to string both woman along. These dudes are in a class of trifling all by themselves, and I don’t have he energy to address what needs to happen to their pansy asses here. This is about the cats who is clear about his status, and even clearer that his status means nothing to him.

This is about how neither of us, Mainline Bitches or Sideline Hos are getting out on top. We’re all getting played, and calling one another out won’t cure a damn thing. Sure, us Sideline Hos can spend days schooling you silly Mainline Bitches on the fact that if he’s creeping– he really isn’t all yours. Until you have PAPERs on that mofo, he’s not really yours. That even when you have papers on him– if he doesn’t want to be yours, he’s not really yours. I could tell you how pathetic we think you are if you search his phone and check his email and text me empty threats. I wont lie, you will get respect of you step like a woman and ask me to stop fucking with your man– I probably will. It’s when I cut him off and he stills comes sniffing around that you have a problem. And if you are still dumb enough to come at me with some “stay out of our lives, were happy bullshit”- trust, its on, because lesson: you aren’t happy if he’s cheating on you, and you need some major schooling upside your head if you keep believing it. Get yourself in check and handle your business on the home front before stepping to me.

Most of the time us sideline hos are smart enough to realize that a cheater will always cheat; generally speaking, we don’t want him full time, mainly because of how he disrespects you. We also realize that its not about us. We aren’t that special; a man who will cheat will cheat regardless of who I am and what I do-there is no voo doo or krypto coochie involved. He’s cheating because he wants to. He’s cheating because he can. He’s cheating because it makes him feel like more of a man (he’s not, we know it- your turn to learn it). He’s cheating because you are putting up with it. He’s cheating and coming home because he wants someone to cook him breakfast and he knows we are not having it.

What we Sideline Hos would love to know is why the HELL ya’ll Mainline bitches put up with such blatant disrespect, such complete disregard for your feelings and relationship. Why you want to lay the blame on the other woman instead f cleaning out your own house of lies. Why don’t you kick his ass to the curb when you read the messages he sends me? When you call him and you KNOW he is at my crib, why rare you all hot with me instead of with him for disrespecting you? Why the FUCK are you cooking him breakfast when he just bought my groceries? Can you answer that (and don’t say its for the kinds- all of ya’ll Mainline Botches dint have kids)? Can you tell us why you allow yourself to be treated so second class?

Or is the only way for you to feel empowered by calling us names? If that’s the case, than go on with your bad self, call us names, blow up our phones. Sit and with your homegirls singing these songs like it was Kum-Ba-Ya at camp. Enjoy your “benefits”, “house keys”, “car notes”. Enjoy cooking him breakfast and smelling my coota on his clothes.

Get your man in check

he’s making a fool of you.

Aren’t you tired of all of his lies?

First place isn’t a motherfucking prize.


You silly ho.


Your man’s my ho.


3 Responses to “Your Man’s My Ho”

  1. pepsee of NYC Says:

    Amen and Halelujah!!!!! IF u don’t already know who I am, its the grand slam man eater! Don’t ask me how I do it but I’m reining champion of cheating men. Since my teens I’ve had lasting relationships with men n a relationship and 100% of the time – he was lying about the other relationship until his girl called me with the truth. 100% of the time it didn’t stop the man from calling me, spending time with me and even making a special evening in the form of an apology for the way his girl contacted me. Don’t get it twisted – haters – its not always about the sex. For a long time I was insecure with myself trying to find what was wrong with me that attracted such unworthy companions. NO One wants a cheating man except the stupid ass woman who made a commitment to him. Why should I stop seeing him? I didn’t vow to be with him through his bullshit. She did. I apart of his bullshit. Deal with it or cut it off. That road goes two ways. But he doesn’t come to me with his bullshit. he goes to her for bullshit. When he comes to me, its flowers and a stiff one, drinks and jokes, good food and back breaking sex. What does she get? She gets him to come home when I done with him. Congratulation bitches, you got your men back – for tonight. I have no mercy or sympathy for the Main chick of a cheating man. You know the saying “treat people the way you want to be treated”, well he’s treating you like a doormat and i’m just stepping over you. If he hasn’t any respect for his relationship, why the hell should I. So Yes, green eyes, I do a lot more than feel where ya coming from – Honey, I live in that capital city of trifling men. I’m not ready to move yet.

  2. I Fux aka Willy Swagger Says:

    What is that song “May have had him once but I have him all the time” ………anyways good ish Greenie and you are long winded, yes head

  3. Mrs. Rowe Says:

    So sad…

    And some people don’t under stand why the black woman is the largest population with HIV/AIDS… No woman should subject them selves to the humiliation of a DOG ASS NIGGA, but you can thank GOD for LOVE because of LOVE women stay time after time, because of LOVE women think he may change, because of LOVE you think HE DID NOTHING WRONG. Wake up and smell the coffee no woman wants to be cheated on and NO woman should want to be the SIDELINE HOE, and please believe that 75% of women sleeping with a taken man KNOWS he has a woman and 70% of those women know her. I was what you want to call a MAIN LINE BITCH but I solved that problem years ago… ladies you ready I found me a WHITE MAN

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