Health Crisis

From time to time, out of love for ya’lls well being, I’ll alert you to news of any health issues that I hear of affecting our community. I may not be able to stop you from flying next to someone with TB, but you know what they say, each one teach one or some shit like that.

The latest disease infecting our communities has been underreported y mainstream media, but the streets are buzzing about its far reaching and incredibly rapid spread. It’s highly contagious, spread between the sexes, and while I know you are all being responsible and wrapping it up (no Harlem Magnums), folks please, please please– be careful not to catch “Feelings”.

Facts About Feelings
Getting all investigative on yo’ ass, I had a little Q&A with a highly respected physician, Dr. Feelgood, to get to the heart of this pandemic ravaging our communities. Here is what I have uncovered:

What are “Feelings”?

Feelings are an offshoot of “emotions”, and emotions, well, they make you cry sometimes. To “catch feelings” generally refers to suddenly become emotionally and romantically attracted to someone who you were really just supposed to banging for fun.

What are the symptoms of Feelings?

Clinginess, talking too much, full voicemails, sore thumbs from advanced text messaging, high phone bills, disruption of sleep patterns, chronic fatigue, constipation, blurred vision, and muscle tenderness.

How do people catch feelings?

All studies have determined that “feelings” are transmitted via a very specific type of non-needle injection.

Who is most susceptible to Feelings?

Despite the popular belief that woman are the only gender in danger of catching feelings, a highly scientific Freknasste University study has irrefutably proven that men are indeed the sex catching and spreading the most feelings.

Pshaw! Impossible.

Absurdity, I know! Everyone knows that woman are undeniably the weaker sex without any control whatsoever over emotions. However, the FU evidence indicates that by their very actions, are spreading the dreaded feeling. Any reciprocation is generally, a woman being nice.

Wait- what actions?

Late night calls to vent about his day, see how hers was, text messages, visits to her office or home – basically any conversation that consists of more than “I’m on my way, get naked” indicate that he’s already caught “feelings” which are in turn causing him to seek her out for emotional support, thus creating an environment ripe for the subsequent transmission of “feelings”.

So men are the only transmitters?

No, just the main transmitters. There are a lot of women out there who just can’t quite handle all the good loving being thrown down on them, and they just completely lose their minds

Oh my!

Yes. Many of theses woman have forced the men in their lives to institutionalize them.

Where?

Marriage.

Wow… I’m truly scared for my people, this all sounds pretty shitty. Please tell me there is a treatment for “Feelings”, I mean I would never want to catch them!

Sadly, nothing. See, feelings stem from attraction. Thus, the battle has already been lost the moment you spotted the shorty with ass/stallion you want to ride and eye fucked ‘em across the bar, because you would never have approached them without that attraction.

The only option you have to completely protect yourself from catching feelings is to only freak off with a member if the opposite sex you find utterly reprehensible, ugly and boring. However, that probably takes a lot of fun out of it.

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Well folks– there you have it. Fuck an ugmo tonight in the name of stopping the spread of “feelings”.