Hip Hop Death Match

Giving yesterdays post a bit more thought, I considered how much money could be made with some Hip Hop Death Matches, thus I came up with some first round fantasy beat down match ups. Rules are simple: get in the ring and start beating each other (no weapons), last one standing is the victor.

Luda-vs-T.I.

Something tells me that much like Samson, much of Luda’s strength was in his hair. While he has plenty of testosterone tracks and video clips in his catalogue, what he doesn’t have is a criminal record. Now, I’m not saying Luda cant handle himself, but Clifford’s spent time in prison, and he’s not a very big dude, so I have a feeing he learned to whoop some ass early(nh).

Winner: T.I.

Saigon-vs-Papoose-vs-Joel Ortiz-vs-Uncle Murder

Who’s really bringing NY back? Per the rules, no weapons are allowed, so everyone knows that when Murder grips up, he’s not really packing. Pap, yeah, even Teflon coated Gino Green can’t save his little ass, so the real fight comes down to Sai & Joel. Sai A) spent time in prison and B) slaps his chick around, so he would most likely be okay slapping around some Spanish kid. While it might seem Saigon has it in the bag, he also has a lucrative Hollywood career beginning to blossom and might not want too many scars on his face, so Joel could come through with a quick one-two and win this. But I doubt it.

Winner: Saigon

Grafh-vs-Joe Buddens

I believe they have deaded their beef, but for arguments sake, lets just toss ‘em in the ring fir fun. It would appear Grafh has the upperhand seeing as he’s not an emotional wreck. However- don’t let the manic depressive ploy fool you- Joey’s got a lot of pent up rage that just might be ready to explode, much like that nerdy kid who’s been picked on suddenly blowing up the school. Much like the school that wasn’t expecting it, Grafh is probably not expecting too tough of a fight from Joey B, so using that backwards ass logic, I’m giving Joey a win, because dammit no one else is!!

Winner: Buddens

The Shop Boyz-vs-Ying Yang Twins-vs-Dem Franchise Boys-vs-MIMs

So much ignorance in such small space at the same time will in fact cause a cataclysmic event that will indeed rip a hole in the space time continuum and all of those fools will spontaneously cease to exist.

Winners: Us

Young Hot Rod -vs- an actual Hot Rod

It would just be funny, you know man versus machine in advance of the Transformers coming out. He may have G-Unit behind him, but Young Hot Rod is a mere mortal, made of flesh, not metal and he can’t possibly run that fast.

Winner: an actual Hot Rod.

Andrea-vs-Lonnie

Lonnie’s from Chi-town, which (Lupe aside – what up Plug) generally doesn’t produce punks. ATL, however isn’t known for spitting out any bitch-made dudes either. They both do the whole vegan, conscious, Tai Chi, emo, Badu thing. Semms like a draw, but as they both bow in praise of the most high asking for the battle to be blessed, Dre bitch slaps Lonnie, hits him with a roundhouse and finishes him off with an elbow to the neck before Lonnie can even break the rules and pull his crochet needles out.

Winner: 3 Stacks

Jay Z -vs- Nas

Yeah yeah, they squashed their beef, but we since we continue the debate a death match is in order. Jay was, once upon a time, a Tae Bo ho. Nas, well he smokes lot. Quite honestly neother of them seem all that scrappy, so they’d probably send in pinch hitters. While one might assume Jay would sending Bleek, my money is on him sending in Ty Ty. Ty Ty, after all has a history of defending Hov’s honor, what with the pepper spraying R. Kelly thing. Nas could send one of the Braveheartz but if he were a smart man, he needs to send Kelis, since well, Kelis looks like she could throw down. Should Ty Ty have issues with hitting a girl (although I think he’d be down with it), Hov could really make this a money maker by sending in Bouncy, who prolly can’t fight at all without one of he puppetmasters pulling the strings. As previously determined, Kelis seems like she roughs up Nas, so I can see her TKOing Beyonce with the quickness. However, Kelis also seems like she likes to tease and knows how to put on a show, so she’d probably drag it out a little before taking the belt.

Winner: Nas (yeah I said it)