Thirsty Sense

I confess: I’ve been a hater. I have been making disparaging remarks about an innocent beverage, when in fact, I had nothing but assumptions to back up my claims. And seeing as assumptions make an ass out of u and umption and I don’t like to be called a hater, I figured it was time I stop my nonchalant scoffing and educate myself on this miracle potion commonly referred to as Vitamin Water.

Maybe, just maybe, I am not given this beverage a fair enough chance. Thus, I decided, a taste test was required, one that would allow for the thorough and fair evaluation of the nectar of Rap. Enter now my exploration of Glaceau Vitamin Water Formula 50:

Appearance:
While the flavor says “grape,” the pink hue of the liquid doesn’t bring to mind any food I generally find in nature. Think the first batch of Pink cotton candy when there was still a tiny bit of Blue sugar left in the machine. Additionally, one can only imagine that the Glaceau reps threw a couple grand in cash at Curtsy and told him the bottle was “bullet shaped” and not a “pink beverage you swallow from a rather phallus shaped object.”

Pause.

Health Benefits & Nutritional Facts:
Vitamin Water is made from “vapor distilled, deionized, and/or reverse osmosis water.” I know not what this means. It also contains 50% of your daily dose of either grapes or, even 50 himself. If indeed it is 50…I… I’m sorry I can’t allow myself to think about what part of him exactly he contributed to the ingredient list. Moving on.

Compared to a normal bottle of regular water which only contains 2 servings and no grapes (boo regular water- you aren’t pink either!) an average size bottle of Vitamin Water contains 2.5 servings. By my calculations (and you really shouldn’t trust my math) by drinking an entire 20 oz bottle of Vitamin Water, you will take in 125% of your daily dose of either grapes or Curtis. If you eat grapes and listen to 50 while drinking Vitamin Water, you’re head might explode like pop rocks in coke. Might.

By drinking the entire bottle, you will get 50% of the recommended daily dosage of Vitamins C, E, B3, B6, Folic Acid, AK47, B12 and B5. In order to get the full recommendation of vitamins, you would need to drink two entire bottles, which would then have you swallowing 250% of your daily dose of grapes and/or 50! At this rate, a healthy person will have already absorbed so much 50, its no wonder that Kanye will outsell him.

Taste:
I must admit, generally speaking, I like the taste, or lack thereof, of regular water. But once gain- this is the name of science, or math or Hip Hop, or I don’t know… hating, so I drank on.

On first whiff, Formula 50 shares the same aroma as flat grape soda. Not terribly healthy or vitaminy smelling which is a definite plus because real vitamins can be somewhat smelly.

It tastes a bit like flat, watered down grape soda as well, offering the same artificial sweetness that leaves the enamel of your teeth feeling slightly softened and vulnerable. I tend to drink only non-Vitamin enhanced water or mango fresco o jugo anaranjado, so I found Formula 50 a bit too sweet. And lest I be accused of being unfair, I also tried another Vitamin Water flavor: XXX (chosen strictly on the basis of it sounding naughty and my mind often taking residence in the gutter) and found that too sweet as well.

All in all:

Water > Vitamin Water

Gatorade > Vitamin Water

Vitamin Water > Flat Grape Soda

Considering what a god awful time Curtsy Boo Bo is going through at this point in his life (9.11.07), and seeing as how he is still standing and trashing offices, I figure if Vitamin Water can get him through the biggest train wreck of his career, a rancid flop of an album, it can’t be all that bad.

Cheers!