Friday Freaky tales

My dear ladies and gentlemen, today I’d like to talk about toys. Two weeks ago I gave you Tenga Eggs, and today I give you even more toys to double your pleasure. Lets face it, in this day and age where STDs are running rampant and most potential partners have ho-tendencies, its important we know how to take care of ourselves. Self love. Its hella important. Fortunately, we live in a day and age where technology is catching up (or advancing in many cases) both our sexual experiences, and our, well genital care. Unfortunately, this blog isn’t bout the next great sex toy. It’s in fact about the worst toys & devices out today. You know you’re curious so read on.

Go, girl. I must admit, I don’t camp. Not into bugs, bears or sleeping in dirt. I like a potty to pee in. Go, girl, however, is trying to convince me, and other bourgeois bitches like myself, that lack of a loo isn’t enough of a reason to avoid camping. Its basically a pee funnel for ladies. Yea, I never thought I’d write pee funnel either.

Baby its cold outside. Fellas, this one is for you. Does you ever get a chilly willy? When a warm vagina isn’t readily available, say, when you are out in public or visiting your mom, do you eve think, “Golly, I wish i had a sweater for my penis.”? I imagine none of you think that, however at the off chance that you do- ebay has a product for you: the Willy Warmer. Its a sweater for your penis. It just sounds itchy to me. Oh, and did I mention its also a thong? Just no.

Erection Detection. Boy- do you ever wonder of you’re “hard enough”? Girls- are you ever unsure if he’s erect? For you sexual retards (and i say that with love), comes the Erectile Quality Monitor. Apparently, fellas stick their wangs in this machine, and various colored lights illuminate, indicating your erection status. Kinda like a mood ring for dicks.

Joy Dick. Dick often brings me joy; the owner of said dick may piss me of, but that’s a whole ‘nother blog. See, that’s not specifically what this is about. This is for the masturbatory gamers out there. Have you ever been playing Super Mario Brothers, or whatever it is you kids play these days, and thought, I feel like jacking off? Thanks to this device, you can. It turns your penis into a joystick.

Okay, okay, so I sorta of deceived you. These toys are all hella wack, but fascinating in a sick way and, well… I personally found them funny as hell, so I had to share. May you never ever need or desire any of these odd contraptions because you have found a real warm body who treats you and your privates like gold. I wish you all Blue light erections, so wrap it up before you stab it up so your privates bots stay ready for fun play for years to cum.